There comes a time in many relationships when one partner wakes up and realizes everything has changed—not with a dramatic fight, but with an inner reckoning. For Hoda Kotb, that moment came during a spiritual retreat, when she admitted to herself in front of peers: “I am a total phony in my relationships.” It was, she says, one of the clearest signals that the romance she shared with Joel Schiffman had run its course.

In her new memoir Jump and Find Joy, Kotb shares this moment of personal truth—and how it led her to end a long engagement not in anger or betrayal, but in search of authenticity, depth, and a truer love. Their relationship may have ended in 2022, but the story she now tells isn’t about heartbreak. It’s about transformation, letting go, and the courage to love differently.

A Retreat, a Revelation, a Turning Point

Kotb didn’t plan to announce her doubts. She entered a week-long retreat at the Hoffman Institute hoping to reconnect with something deeper within herself. But by the end, something had shifted so drastically that she couldn’t pretend anymore.

Standing before the group, she told them why she’d come. She spoke of her relationships—of how she had smiled, nodded, and moved along while feeling empty. “I am a total phony in my relationships,” she said. “I’m a pretender.” In that moment of raw honesty, she felt something internal straighten. She says it felt like standing up in a room full of mirrors and seeing your own reflection for the first time.

To many, that would be terrifying. For Kotb, it became the seed of clarity. She realized that while her relationship with Schiffman was good in many ways, it lacked the evolving intimacy she hungered for. She knew continuing meant living a life that no longer felt fully hers.

More Than a Breakup: A Redefinition of Love

Kotb has never framed this as a dramatic breakup—or a falling out. Instead, she describes ending her engagement as a courageous pivot from romantic love toward something more durable: respect, friendship, and co-parenting.

She says: “I loved Joel then, and I love Joel now. I just had to remind myself that it was a different kind of love.” That’s the essence of her shift. She didn’t stop caring; she chose to hold space for a different kind of connection—one grounded in deep mutual respect, but no longer in romantic expectation.

Today, Kotb and Schiffman are not estranged. They remain co-parents to their daughters, Haley and Hope, and have evolved into friends with shared care and love. She describes their dynamic now with laughter, comfort, and shared purpose.

From Pretender to Pivotal Moment

That retreat moment was small—just a few sentences uttered in a safe room—but it carries the weight of a turning point. Kotb calls it “one of the best ten-second decisions” of her life. She admits it took courage, but once she spoke aloud what she felt inside, the next steps became clearer.

Before, she kept running toward connection—even when the connection was fading. She pushed through good days and hard days, hoping the love would deepen. But the truth was something inside her was outgrowing the relationship. That moment of naming her own pretenses freed her to step into something new.

How Relationships Grow Apart

One of the hardest truths she shares is that two good people can drift apart—not through betrayal, not through hatred, but through evolution. Kotb reflects openly on how she and Schiffman were “growing at different paces.” She praises him as “one of the best people I know,” yet acknowledges that “two great human beings together isn’t always enough to make it work.”

She’s said elsewhere that in a relationship, sometimes you realize you’re not speaking the same inner language anymore. Your dreams shift. Your emotional needs deepen. What once felt rich can begin to feel shallow, and no amount of love will fill that gap.

Kotb makes this point with compassion—not self-blame, not regret, but acceptance. She allowed herself to change, and in doing so, set free both of them.

Co-Parenting, Respect, and Redefining Us

The end of their romantic relationship hasn’t ended their family. Kotb is clear: she and Schiffman remain connected for many reasons—not least of which are their daughters.

She describes how they balance custody: alternating weekends, sharing parenting roles, creating space for each daughter to feel the full measure of love from both parents. It isn’t effortless, but Kotb emphasizes that for kids to thrive, stability and integrity matter more than romantic form.

In interviews, she’s characterized their post-engagement dynamic as “beautiful,” “right,” and “enjoyable.” Instead of battling over loss, they collaborate over life. Instead of fighting against what’s broken, they build what still works.

What This Means for Anyone Who’s Ever Loved and Let Go

Kotb’s story resonates because it isn’t just celebrity heartbreak—it’s a life lesson many of us carry quietly.

Honesty First: Rather than stay silent, she spoke truth in a room of witnesses—and it changed her course. Every relationship benefits when you name what you feel before it shapes your actions.
You Can Love and Still Let Go: The hardest part isn’t hating someone—it’s realizing that love isn’t always enough. Sometimes you must release someone for the sake of deeper love—for yourself and for them.
Connection Beyond Labels: Romance can fade, but connection can evolve. Friendship, respect, co-creation—they can survive a breakup if grounded in integrity.
Courage to Shift: Leaving something good to search for something truer is risky. But living half-heartedly is a subtler kind of suffering.

Where Kotb Stands Now & What the Future Holds

Kotb isn’t rushing toward a new relationship. She says she’s not actively looking—but she also holds hope: “I am longing for a soul connection.” She’s convinced someone meant for her is out there, but only when timing and inner alignment permit it.

Her new book Jump and Find Joy is a manifesto of change. She steps back from her public roles and re-centers around family, inner work, and seeking joy in unexpected places.

Perhaps more than anything, Kotb wants to live honestly—for her children, her loved ones, and herself. She’s learned that pretending is exhausting, but real truth can free life in unexpected ways.