I gradually became aware of my surroundings again as my thoughts emerged from the fog in my head the dim light in my basement Workshop lit only by The partially Open Door mirrored my mood one of my rackets was still clamped in a visce on the workbench I could hear our two youngest children playing in the recck room in the Disney movie they were watching on the VCR sitting in my worn out chair I glanced at the clock on the wall I had been sitting there for over half an hour lost in thought I didn’t move I didn’t look trying to process

what I wished I hadn’t heard Sunday dinner was over my wife Sally cleaned the kitchen while I went down to reglue some rackets for the upcoming fall racketball leagues I had been playing racketball for seven or eight years often before work as an engineer at GM I also played in at least one evening League every season I was proud to have become good enough to play in the a bracket and often placed first in local tournaments playing racketball helped me maintain my weight at about 200 lb at 62 our 7-year-old daughter Jesse

followed me to watch her favorite movie in the game room with four-year-old Allison tagging along Ally always wanted to be where Jesse was and thankfully Jesse didn’t seem to mind for now I dreaded the day when things would change as Jesse got older our 9-year-old son Jason aware of his role as the oldest boy often played alone in his room with model airplanes and cars Jason resembled me and many in the Robinson family brown hair hazel eyes strong chin and a prominent but not too large nose Jesse had Sally’s red hair and fine features while Allie’s blonde hair

seemed to combined traits from both of us I finished the handles on the three rackets in my gym bag noticing a couple of strings needed tightening Murphy’s Law ured a string would break in a league game at least once a week I checked on the girls who were in the middle of Lady and the and decided to head upstairs as I climbed the stairs I heard Sally talking on the phone I thought about surprising her to set the mood for even though we had already had a morning cuddle I peaked through the door crack to see her she still looked beautiful

after three kids and 10 years of marriage thanks to regular exercise and a proper diet we managed to find time for ourselves a couple of times a week as I open the door wider I heard her say the schedule is Tuesday and Thursday from 9: to 3: there was a pause then yes I can talk Phil is in the basement with the girls right now another pause why yeah I think so too Debbie I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately this coming weekend I don’t think we have anything planned I could probably do it Sally was talking to her friend and boss Debbie Bradshaw planning another weekend shopping trip I pushed the door further

open and was about to surprise her when I heard Sally giggling what the hell was that I thought she giggled again listening to Debbie I hadn’t heard Sally giggle like that since our honeymoon then she said quietly sure I’d like to try that thing again before the world comes off I felt dizzy as it reminded me of a conversation I’d overheard in a bar months ago I sank down on the basement step and slowly closed the door behind me Sally kept laughing and Whispering into the phone I could only make out a few words last time I was really on a roll I know I know yeah both of you tell

him I’ll see him oh I can’t wait I stood in the dark stairwell as she wound down the conversation I suddenly didn’t want her to know I was there so I turned quietly walked back down the stairs and collapsed into my chair reflecting on the conversation I remembered it happened last spring after one of the last Wednesday night racketball League games afterward we went to a bar for beers a monthly ritual after an hour only John Harrison Craig Davis and I remained John and Craig were best friends and had joined the Oak Park y a

few years before John liked beer while Craig a recovering heavy drinking stuck to soft drinks Craig’s drunkenness had strained his marriage since he couldn’t handle even a couple of beers despite this he enjoyed the bar atmosphere and joined us whenever he could both were married John had two kids Craig one after discussing the matches the conversation inevitably turned to women after many bar nights with them I realized they weren’t looking to cheat but often took an unusual interest in my marriage making me uncomfortable that

night Craig teased Jon about his wife Mary insisting he have a personal surgery thinking he meant a vasectomy I mentioned Sally wanted me to get one too but we had an agreed yet Craig smirking clarified oh no she wants him to remove the wart laughing heartily confused I asked what are you talking about John blushed and explained he had a wart that had grown over the years scaring his wife John claimed it served an important function but Mary wanted it gone despite any supposed benefits it provided in

their bed life I decided to leave as the conversation got too deep now sitting in the dark I couldn’t believe Sally could be involved in what her phone call hinted at she knew John and Craig were my racketball buddies but they had never met her as far as I knew the dots however seemed to connect I broke into a sweat hoping for a plausible explanation it was clear Debbie was involved too Debbie Bradshaw Sally’s boss had become assistant manager of the store where Sally worked after being transferred from corporate headquarters she and Sally became friends when they were both pregnant their daughters were born a

month apart we socialized with Debbie and her husband Josh a few times usually at work events Debbie was smart beautiful and always the center of attention while Josh seemed focused on his work John and Craig joined the racketball League about two years ago John owned a construction business and Craig was the managing partner of a residential construction company we were all married with families and had a lot in common but we only socialized around racketball one day when I mentioned where Sally worked John said he knew someone there Debbie Bradshaw who had graduated from the the same high school

as John and Craig they saw each other a couple of times a year the shopping trips began about 2 years ago when our youngest Ally was going through the terrible twos Sally was overwhelmed with Ally and Jesse who was only home half the day from daycare juggling three kids housework and a part-time job was exhausting for her and I wasn’t much help working extra hours on a project one night she broke down on the couch sobbing with frustration I held her until she calmed down and she said she needed a break feeling guilty I

offered to take care of the kids on her next day off she tearfully thanked me and said she’d think about it a couple of weeks later Sally mentioned she talked to Debbie about needing a break Debbie suggested a shopping trip to the suburbs of Detroit despite my reservations I agreed so on my next free weekend Sally and Debbie left on Saturday morning they had breakfast shopped checked into a motel had dinner and saw a movie I insisted she call me with her hotel details which she did they returned the next day around 5:00

p.m. Sally was so grateful she hugged and kissed me and talked about the stores and restaurants she didn’t go on a shopping spree but bought a few nice things for herself and the kids I was happy for her and the kids behaved well so I had no complaints that was over 2 years ago since then the shopping trips became a regular occurrence every 3 or 4 months Sally and Debbie would leave Saturday morning and return late Sunday night I enjoyed spending time with the kids and it pleased Sally I recalled that after the second trip

Sally seemed Sullen and nervous she claimed it was nothing just her period I realized we never made love the night she returned from a trip though we always did before she left as the trips continued Sally seemed almost giddy in the week leading up to them Sally called from the top of the stairs Phil it’s bath time for the girls can you send them upstairs I sat there Gathering my thoughts Phil Phil can you hear me I got up walked to the stairs and called back sourly yeah yes I heard you I’ll get them after some argument I got the kids

upstairs I wandered around picking up things to kill time and call my emotions finally I went upstairs Sally was in the kitchen looking through a cookbook she smiled and asked is something wrong honey did you get the impression feeling awkward I mumbled about finding a crack on one of my favorite rackets but I kept looking into her eyes for any sign of my suspicions there was nothing she laughed and kissed me again Debbie called while you were downstairs she wanted to know if we could go shopping at the end of

next week at those words her eyes narrowed briefly I knew she was hiding something I tried to think of a way to postpone the trip don’t we have something planned for next weekend I said unconvincingly there’s nothing on the calendar she replied I think there’s a VFW event on Saturday night we should go I said slowly Sally looked at me appraisingly Phil you know I don’t like those events all you guys do is talk about army stuff and drink too much it bores me so if you want to go just get a babysitter while I’m gone then why don’t we do something with the kids this

weekend Cedar Point will be open for a few more weeks and we haven’t taken alley yet shek old enough to enjoy it I said grasping at straws Sally frowned and her face rened a rare sign of her anger we just took the kids to MAA Island over Labor Day weekend that was only a couple of weeks ago what’s gotten into you Phil you’ve never objected to my shopping before annoyed I said never mind I just thought we could do something together you and Debbie have a good time I’m going to make sure the kids go to bed I turned

and headed upstairs halfway up I looked back and saw Sally looking at me strangely for the rest of the evening I avoided any serious conversation with her like most work nights I got into bed before Sally and tried to sleep after a while she came in changed into her pajamas and snuggled up against me Whispering Phil Phil I pretended to be a sleep breathing shallowly eventually she gave up and rolled away once she was asleep I lay awake staring at the ceiling trying to sort out my thoughts I reflected on my life growing up less than 20 miles from where we lived now in

a normal middle class family my best friend was Jason or Jace as everyone called him we were inseparable since fourth grade spending nights at each other’s houses playing sports and dating girls together though not outstanding students I usually got better grades in high school I discovered drafting and decided to become an engineer I went to a local junior college for engineering technology commuting from home Jace didn’t know what he wanted to do so he took general education courses we both got a deferment from the military draft at the end of my freshman year I got a

DUI and spent all my savings on fines losing my driver’s license for a year feeling discouraged I decided to enlist in the Army hoping my drafting skills would keep me out of Vietnam Jace joined me and we enlisted as buddies basic training was tough but manageable Midway through we took aptitude tests and were assigned as Fire Control Specialists operating Advanced calculators for artillery we trained at Fort Sill then got orders for Vietnam after a 15-day leave we flew to iore Republic of Vietnam we managed to get assigned to

battery a second Battalion 11th Artillery Brigade it was November 1969 and Nixon was reducing troop levels for the first few months we saw little combat mostly flying sorties and participating in a few raids the Highlight was a vacation in Bangkok Thailand after 15 days of partying we returned to find our unit attached to the third Brigade of the 100 first Airborne core a few days later we were airlifted to a remote Hill in dense Jungle 4 months later I came home on a stretcher Jace came home in a body bag I

was deeply depressed from the trauma I suffered I spent weeks in the hospital and months in rehab along with seeing a psychiatrist once deemed almost fit for Duty I was sent to Fort Sil as an assistant instructor I avoided others enrolled in local college courses and spent my off-duty hours writing after a year I applied for early release to go back to school the Army approved and I was released 5 months early I moved back in with my parents and applied for veterans benefits living at home my expenses were minimal covered by savings education benefits and a part-time job I

was a typical shellshocked confused Vietnam veteran society’s reaction to the war and my experiences turned me into a bitter recluse I grew my hair and beard wore a hooded sweatshirt or an old army jacket ratty jeans and worn sneakers I walked to school work and home my family worried about me but I felt socially withdrawn I still saw a therapist once a month which didn’t help much once a week I visited Jason’s parents to reminisce about him they seemed to appreciate it and it was the least I could do one afternoon I was studying in the campus International

Center a voice broke my concentration mind if I sit here a man stood across the table with long red hair and a pale complexion curious brown eyes stared into mine I nervously looked at her red lips wondering what they would feel like on mine do you mind if I sit here she repeated no go ahead I muttered she put her books down and sat for the next half hour she studied while I pretended to occasionally I glanced at her marveling at her looks eventually she noticed and asked are you a veteran I nodded Vietnam

she asked I flinched but saides my dad is a Korean War veteran he was a marine she said making me relax he was even wounded she added casually civilians I thought with disgust but nodded and told her I had been in the Army for almost 3 years avoiding mentioning Vietnam we talked until she had to go to class she said goodbye and left she was the first woman I really talked to after coming home a few days later I heard the familiar voice again hey mind if I sit here this time I responded more coherently she started talking to me like we were old friends blushing she

realized she didn’t know my name it’s Phil Phil Robinson I said she laughed Sally Baxter nice to meet you we had long breaks between classes on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays and met regularly I learned about her family friends career and college plans she was beautiful outgoing and sociable reminding me of Jace I told her about my family and classes but avoided Army topics I was fascinated by her and started shaving and dressing better my mom noticed and was happy about the change a few weeks after we met I worked

up the courage to ask Sally out she was pleased and said yes right away we both commuted from home for classes so I offered to pick her up Friday night she warned laughing my dad can be tough on guys who ask me out are you sure you want to do this I replied Sally for the privilege of dating you I can handle your dad for a few minutes or even a lifetime she blushed and called me a flatterer Friday night I knocked on her door and was greeted by a warm smiling woman you must be Phil we’ve been expecting you please come in she took my hand and pulled me inside calling over

her shoulder Jack Sally’s bow is here turning to me she said don’t worry about Sally’s father he’s not as bad as she thinks I’m Emily shaking my hand her father appeared a big guy about my height but heavier I’m Jack he said shaking my hand firmly come into the family room we can talk while Sally finishes her work we walked into a cozy room with a TV couch and armchairs the room had a fireplace with military m rebelia and an M1 Gand rifle Jack proudly told me he was a Marine in Korea wounded twice Sally mentioned that tough

times I said Sally said you were in Vietnam Jack asked I was a fire control specialist in an artillery battery 1555 I replied he nodded approvingly 155s are the workhorses of artillery what part of Vietnam our battery was all over iore Jack looked at me unsure if I was a real Soldier iore huh Marine country by the time I got there the Marines were mostly out Jack snorted yeah vietnamisation great term for take this country it’s yours Emily interrupted Jack it’s not over it’s over except for the screaming just wait and see he insisted thankfully Sally walked

in ending the conversation we talked briefly about school and our plans then left that night we went to dinner in a movie I was absorbed in our conversation and don’t remember much about the movie in the the theater we held hands and sat close afterward we stopped by a bar for a drink I walked her to her door just before her curfew I stood awkwardly wanting to kiss her but afraid to ruin the night she wrapped her arms around my neck looked into my eyes and whispered thank you Phil for a wonderful evening I realized I had fallen in love with her I

put my hands on her waist and kissed her gently from that day on we cuddled like this often looking into each other’s eyes hiding nothing reluctantly she pulled away and went inside the next day I called Sally and we talked for an hour we set up another date for midweek and soon we became exclusive a few weeks later I told her I had booked a motel room for Saturday she blushed but smiled and nodded that evening was perfect there were a few awkward moments when she saw my scars from Vietnam but I reassured her that I was fine I whispered Sally I love you you probably

don’t want to hear it but I can’t help it she looked at me with tears in her eyes and smiled I love you too Phil I never knew it could be like this I want to stay like this forever I laughed and kissed her nose I don’t know about forever but I sure want to do this again and again she laughed then moaned as I entered her God Phil anything you want for the first time since losing Jace I felt at peace hopeful for the future by the time we left the motel in the early morning we knew we wanted to be together for life we talked about marriage children and our future Sally was

graduating a year before me so she would work until I graduated then we’d marry I planned to rent an apartment so we could be together a week later I introduced Sally to my parents my dad Dave worked at GM and my mom Donna was a part-time teachers Aid they loved Sally for herself and for how she brought me out of my shell I was happier and couldn’t stop smiling my therapist even told me to stop coming because I was doing so well Sally’s father Jack was wary of me especially when we talked about together before marriage things changed when Jack

and Emily invited us to dinner Jack and I talked while the women were in the kitchen he asked about my scars from Vietnam and I reluctantly told him I had been at Firebase ripcord in the summer of 70 Jack a marine knew of rip cord and his attitude toward me softened from that moment he treated me like the son he never had Sally graduated with honors and got a job as an assistant buyer at a retail store she spent a lot of time with me at my apartment I graduated on time and got a job at GM as a draftsman 2 months later we were married with both of us working we bought a small house

with room to expand a year later our son Jason was born named after my best friend two years later we had Jesse and 3 years after that Allison was born having Jason was special but the girls wrapped me around their little fingers Sally cut back to part-time work when Jason was born planning to return full-time once all the kids were in school her hours varied between 12 and 20 hours a week which suited her because she got a large employee discount helping keep the kids clothed since starting work my role evolved from translating part designs into programs

for automated manufacturing to being part of the first computer AED Design Systems when Ali was born life was good we had money two cars and a nice house we expanded the house and took family vacations every year Sally and I sent the kids to their grandparents twice a year for our own weekends together our marriage seemed strong filled with with love and affection I often told Sally how lucky I felt but now I wasn’t so sure sleep eluded me and I barely managed a couple of hours each night the next morning I skipped the Y staggered into my office and shut the door staring

at the wall I needed a plan to figure out what was going on should I ask Sally directly would she tell me the truth if she was hiding something I doodled on my notepad planning my next steps but felt lost when considering the worst case scenario I loved Sally and my children and the thought of losing them terrified me for the next few days I was a zombie at work and home Sally didn’t notice until Jace asked about my strange Behavior I blamed it on a work project by Tuesday I returned to my routine playing racketball before work with John

and Craig realizing they were always together I suspected both were involved in something in the locker room John laughed and Craig smirked as if sharing a joke for the first time I saw them as adversaries we played a few pickup games and exchanged small talk on Wednesday I decided to check on John and Craig I called John’s wife saying I was from his racketball league and wanted to see if he could play on Saturday she said he was going to a business conference in Detroit and would return on Sunday my heart sank I called Craigs house and got

the same answer from his wife it was true the four of them had hooked up how far it went didn’t matter it was too far I was angry and a voice in my head urged me to act Friday night I visited my my parents they were planning to spend the winter in Florida and renovating their house I needed to talk to them so we sat at the kitchen table finally I sighed and said I think Sally is cheating on me tears streamed down my face as I sobbed it was the first time I’d said it out loud mom and dad were shocked no this

can’t be happening not Sally she wouldn’t do that to you whispered momon why do you think that asked Dad quietly I recounted everything I overheard and learned mom cried quietly shaking her head dad hugged her tightly what do you want from us Phil dad asked I need to know for sure can you pick up the kids tomorrow and keep them until Sunday I pleaded dad nodded sure Phil but I hope this is all a misunderstanding I hope so too but it’s hard to see how it could be I left and when I got home Sally was finishing dinner she turned hugged me and kissed me the kids are in the recck room dinner

will be be ready in 20 minutes she said cheerfully she seemed excited about the weekend I hesitantly said honey we haven’t made love since last weekend how about we put the kids to bed early tonight Sally stepped back her smile becoming forced Phil I’d love to but I got my period early today she said I replied oh sure I understand she stroked my cheek and said once my period is over I’ll explain everything I promise okay I tried not to break free from her arms yeah then it’s a date I muttered she hugged me and went back to making dinner

her periods had always been regular I realized she was saving herself for her date anger and the urge to act grew stronger the next day we followed our usual Saturday routine the older kids cleaned their rooms then watched cartoons I fiddled in the garage until it was time for Sally to leave she came downstairs with her suitcase yelling at the kids to behave Ally behind her yelled buy me something Mommy Sally hugged and kissed Ally I will sweetie be good for daddy she kissed me and said I have to go I need to pick up Debbie don’t forget to call me when you get to the hotel which one the Red Roof Inn in

Rochester Hills bye she said and left I watched her drive away then went back inside and told Jason and Jesse to pack a bag we were going to Grandma and Grandpa’s they packed with some fussing and I helped Ally gather her things mom and dad were waiting when we arrived as I left dad gave me a concerned look good luck Phil I hope you’re wrong me too Dad thanks I’ll call you in the morning I headed home stopping at Avis to switch cars I didn’t want mine to be recognized a couple of hours later I was still sitting in the kitchen when the phone rang it was after 1: p.m. I picked it up

is that you Phil Sally asked yeah it’s me I was annoyed by the interruption though I had been expecting it I was thinking about Jason Jesse and Ally my top priority now is everything okay everything’s fine just fine is everything okay with you I asked sarcastically we’re fine we stopped for lunch we’re staying in room 168 number 55564 5168 we made small talk for a few minutes then she said Debbie is waving at me I have to go we’re spending the afternoon at Meadowbrook Village shopping center see you tomorrow she

hung up without waiting for me to say goodbye she didn’t even say she loved me this morning when she left I called the Red Roof in and asked if Sally Robinson had check cheed in they said yes and offered to connect me but I declined then I asked if John Harrison was registered they said yes but he hadn’t arrived yet I hung up trying to suppress my anger I went to the workshop and unlocked the weapon cabinet I stared at my dad’s old 16 gauge rifle a Winchester Model 73 rifle and an old machine weapon handle I bought the Winchester in high

school I couldn’t bear hunting after Vietnam I realized if I took my weapon I might never see my children again instead I found an old Cobar knife I bought in Bangkok strapped it to my calf and gathered a few essentials at 2 a.m. I began the 90m drive to Rochester Hills I arrived at the Red Roof in and parked near room 168 I didn’t see Sally’s car so I waited at 5:00 a.m.

 I saw a red pickup truck I recognized John and Craig got out laughing and talking and went into the room next to Sally’s after 45 minutes they left for tupper’s Pub I followed them and saw Sally’s car parked there I decided not to go inside the small bar to avoid being noticed I parked on the street and waited at 9:00 a.m. the four of them left the bar laughing and holding hands I returned to the hotel and parked where I could see both the front door and Jon’s truck they arrived shortly after and stood in front of room 168 talking and laughing Jon flipped a coin and Craig kissed Sally Debbie pulled Jon into the other room the two couples holding hands went to

different rooms stunned I realized what was happening it wasn’t the first time 10 years of marriage and family were ruined the voice in my head screamed do something anything but what could I do now I thought I knew the answer at least I would sleep better knowing I tried then Jon came out of Debb’s room in boxers and a t-shirt holding a beer I realized I’d been staring at their door for over an hour JN checked to see if anyone was watching then knocked on Sally’s door Craig came out in jeans no shirt or shoes and they talked for a few

minutes high-fived and switched rooms it hit me what was happening a voice screamed in my head do something idiot I put on my driving gloves got out of the car and walked to room 168 I knocked twice and when John opened the door I punched him hard he fell back clutching his face I pulled out my knife and pointed it at him how long john how long has this been going on I demanded uh uh 2 years he stammered so joining the racketball League wasn’t a coincidence I asked my voice dripping with sarcasm no he replied closing his eyes in pain

you’re a sick idiot John if you ever go near Sally or any other married woman again I’ll find you understand yes he wheezed you better leave town I added his eyes bulged with horror as he lost control of his bowels the shower stopped and Sally’s voice called out hey John Boy I thought you were joining me in the shower what’s up she appeared in the bathroom doorway saw me and went pale the towel fell from her hands John Boy doesn’t seem well I growled she slammed the door shut I cut the phone cord with my knife and left the room screaming in frustration and throwing the phone into

the bathroom causing Sally to scream I stepped outside and walked to Craigs room knocking twice Craig opened the door laughing you guys are noisy I punched him under the chin and he collapsed Debbie sitting in bed looked terrified I pulled the phone cord from the wall if you tell your husband you saw me tonight say hi for me I said sarcastically then added or maybe I’ll tell him myself I tossed the phone into the corner and left outside I looked up at the night sky breathing deeply the tension faded replaced by a soothing tiredness the voice telling me to act

was gone I headed to my car ready to move on with my life yes I said abruptly into the phone I was annoyed by the interruption though I had been expecting it I was focused on my children Jason Jesse and alley figuring out how to protect them from the Fallout of the situation Phil it’s Jack yeah Jack I replied without enthusiasm what’s going on Sally was here when her mom and I got home from church she’s crying and afraid to go home Jack said almost shouting I checked the time it was almost 1:00 p.m.

about 14 hours since I left Rochester Hills I don’t know what I could have done to make her feel that way I said she says you lashed out at a couple of Debb’s friends last night hurt them badly hurt them they’re lucky I didn’t eliminate them I said sarcastically Phil that’s not like you jack paused Sally said it happened outside a restaurant in Rochester Hills her history Sally is your daughter so it must be true I said slowly silence filled the phone as Jack processed this Phil I’m bringing Sally home we need to talk no problem Jack hung up but I heard

Sally in the background saying no dad no I sighed this wasn’t going to be easy I was sitting at the kitchen table looking at old photos and momentos in my shoe box finishing my second beer when they arrived Jack walked in followed by Sally who tugged on his arm please dad let us work this out Phil and I need some alone time Sally’s eyes were red and puffy she was trembling she didn’t meet my gaze holding on to her father’s hand trying to guide him back to the door but Jack wouldn’t budge he sat at the table staring at me then at the knife lying next to my beer okay Phil what’s going

on Jack asked his voice firm I looked at Sally and said mockingly yeah Sally tell your dad what’s going on shut up Phil you and I can work this out she said fiercely her eyes pleading I was infuriated by her belief that things could be fixed if we were alone I looked Jack in the eye turns out Sally and her boss Debbie have some girlfriends they like to see when they’re out of town I found out and objected strongly Sally sighed sat down and looked defeated no Phil Sally wouldn’t do that I don’t believe you Jack said angrily that’s enough Phil you’re being cruel and disrespectful Sally interjected cruel

and disrespectful you should have seen what I saw in her hotel room another man’s Footprints I said coldly Jack turned to Sally her frightened expression confirmed my words he collapsed into his chair covering his face oh God he murmured Sally turned pale and teary please Dad don’t tell Mom we can work this out Phil can’t we please Phil she pleaded I sat in silence going through the old photos and momentos thinking back to a time of immense pain after a few minutes Jack straightened up and wiped his eyes what are you going to do Phil he asked looking at Sally’s tear stre face I

thought for a moment I never told either of you about Vietnam or rip cord I never told anyone not even my therapist I gestured to the pile of stuff on the table isn’t it onic Jack that your generation displays its War memorabilia for all to see while mine hides it in a shoe box in the bottom drawer why is that I asked rhetorically I held up a faded photo of two young skinny guys in Jungle uniforms grinning like Vietnam was a Boy Scout outing had I ever been that young I felt old now I tossed the picture on the table between Jack and Sally and started talking like I was

lecturing strangers jaay and I were dropped off at ripcord in May 1971 it was just another base and a string of bases for our battery we’d airlift howitzers set them up conduct firing operations for a month or two and then move on but rip cord was different we were on a desolate Ridge surrounded by thick jungle overlooking the ASA Valley near the LA border a place with a bloody history for the US military the Firebase consisted of our 155 weapon battery a mortar platoon and a company of infantry to guard the perimeter we had two helicopter landing pads and a few other units totaling about 400 men most of the

fire base was underground in bunkers and trenches near the end of the battle we learned we were surrounded by about 12,000 North Vietnamese soldiers it was like your Marines a chosen Reservoir Jack Jack nodded slowly lost in his Memories the first six weeks weren’t bad for us but for the soldiers dropped off on the hilltops around us it was hell we were constantly on missions to support them with helicopters coming and going from on to dusk on July 1st everything changed we came under mortar fire for the first time for the first week the NVA fired 20 to 30 shells daily then

they started using larger mortars and weapons because of the wind and noise we often couldn’t hear the incoming artillery one day I was caught off guard running to the Fire Control bunker when a mortar explosion knocked me down I made it to the bunker and Jay said damn Phil you’re bleeding I had been shot by shrapnel under my right shoulder blade I I was evacuated to Camp Evans where they removed the shrapnel and kept me for observation due to a concussion by the time I got back to rip cord getting a shrapnel wound was common the shelling got heavier with rocket propelled

grenades and recoiless weapons adding to the chaos we were taking 70 to 80 shells a day our weapons were in constant action firing at close targets shinook helicopters brought in ammunition Under Fire dropping their loads without Landing we’d rush to grab the shells and powder charges during one of the these operations I got more shrapnel wounds we were exhausted from the constant shelling and work artillery planes F4 Phantoms and B-52s were always around conducting air strikes smoke and tear gas filled the air by July 8th we were on alert every night expecting a

perimeter assault as the shelling continued casualties mounted and morale plummeted it felt like we were abandoned we lost over 500 men eliminated or wounded I had to carry body bags or stretchers to the helipad for evacuation on July 18th a shinook carrying Howitzer shells was damaged and crashed over a 115 battery and an ammunition Supply Point causing explosions and Fires for hours all six weapons were destroyed and several men were wounded I saw Jack with tears streaming down his face many of us rushed to help injured men suffered

burns when Aviation gas ignited Jason and I lifted a machine artillery man onto a stretcher the skin on his arm came off in my hand that and the smell of bir burning flesh I’ll never forget I whispered Jack nodded grimly and Sally looked horrified I continued we all knew the place wouldn’t hold but the brass saw an opportunity to hurt the enemy with almost four NVA regiments gathered in one place a couple of nights later we were put on alert again we were bombarded with automatic weapons and conventional fire Jas and I set up an M60 machine weapon in front of the FDC bunker our mortar platoon fired flares

to illuminate the wire and the Infantry company returned fire along the jungle Edge artillery ships flew overhead firing rockets and rotary cannons the Infantry men in front of us were firing m79 grenade launchers and automatic weapons into the jungle Tracer fire occasionally came back then a volley of 20 mm mortar rounds shot the Infantry position jaay and I ducked as the ground shook we saw the Infantry trench was completely covered we quickly took up positions and Jace began returning fire while I fed him ammo the platoon Sergeant crawled over and we told him

what had happened happened he rushed off to get more ammo as we reached the last belt I heard an M16 shot and felt like I was slapped with a baseball bat in my back and thighs I collapsed and stared into Jace’s eyes he realized what had happened he tried to speak but couldn’t I reached for his hand he squeezed it once and then the light went out in his eyes it was the end I looked at Jack and Sally but didn’t see them clearly as tears streamed down my face my best friend my brother and everything but name was dead I felt so alone I wiped my

eyes trying to pull myself together Sally was sniffling but I couldn’t tell if it was for Jace or her own troubles I continued I turned my head to look behind me about 10 ft away Corporal Tran a Kit Carson Scout was pointing an M16 at us these Scouts were mostly North Vietnamese deserters who decided they were on the wrong side TR spoke English well and sometimes acted as an interpreter he’d taken shelter in our bunker a few times and Jace even taught him poker once the scouts had become Inc increasingly suspicious and none of us trusted them Tran fired a full clip at

us I took a couple of bullets in the back but my body armor saved me from all but a few broken ribs and a concussion one bullet shot the back of my thigh I felt myself going into shock realizing Jace was really gone and I’d been shot I fought to stay conscious knowing I would die if I didn’t I focused on my anger at the enemy Tran tried to shoot again but he was out of ammo I played dead Tran waved a flashlight and shouted in Vietnamese into the jungle a rocket propelled grenade flew out narrowly missing us and exploding behind us Tran was waving his flashlight like a madman

I saw three figures with satchel charges and ak-50 carbines running toward the wire I knew I had to stop them I pulled the M60 from beneath Jace managed to stand and fired two long bursts before the belt was empty the sappers went down and Tran turned screaming at me and grabbing a machete I pushed off the edge of the trench dropped the M60 and grabbed my knife we ended up face to face nearly unconscious I got on his chest as he tried to reach for the machete he failed I don’t know how long I sat there in the chaos suddenly Eric

my platoon sergeant and Lieutenant Dixon pulled me up Dixon yelled to get back to the bunker because Napal was coming I paused took a sip of beer and ran the tip of my knife over the three Purple Heart metals on the table Jack and Sally were silent barely breathing I couldn’t look at them finally I continued continued I lost Consciousness around this time I woke up in a medical bunker with an IV and a surgeon and Corman working on me doc said I’d survive and would be flown out at dawn I ended up being flown out

around noon despite heavy fire our helicopter took several shots and the crew Commander was eliminated before I left the decision was made to evacuate ripcord everyone was taken out on the 21st and the place was bombed it didn’t matter to me anymore 24 hours later I was on a flight to a hospital in Japan after a week there I was transferred to Walter Reed for another month a colonel who had never heard of ripcord handed out medals they gave me this one for liquidating my enemies I placed a red white and blue metal with a silver star next to the purple hearts the doctors treated me well after a couple of months

of rehab I was physically fine but mentally I was a wreck I had nightmares every night I missed Jace’s funeral but visited his parents before heading to Fort S they wanted to know everything about Vietnam and how Jace died but never asked why I survived and he didn’t that’s the question I ask myself every day I stared into space reflecting on that dark time I was in therapy but felt withdrawn from the world I did the bare minimum at Fort S immersing myself in college drafting classes to avoid socializing when I left the Army I moved back with my parents and continued

school not because I cared but because I didn’t know what else to do I looked into Sally’s eyes feeling the pain p and resentment from the previous night then I Met Sally I whispered she suppressed a sob and looked away you brought me back to the real world you were happy interested in everything and beautiful inside and out you made me want to live again I fell in love with you you saved me and gave me three wonderful children for that I will always be grateful we sat in silence for a few minutes Jack finally cleared his throat what now Phil I looked at him tiredly

jack I’ve been betrayed twice both times I lost my best friend I said Sally started to sob no no no we sat in Silence with tears in our eyes Jack asked quietly are you sure Phil you want to throw it all away because of one mistake Sally looked at me with desperate hope I shook my head it wasn’t the only mistake I found out last night that Sally had been cheating on me for almost 2 years and it wasn’t with just one man Sally sighed closed her eyes and sank into her chair even paler than before John didn’t tell you Sally that

he confessed to everything I turned to Jack does that answer your question Jack slowly stood up and looked sadly at Sally you are my daughter and I should love you but I have lost all respect for you your behavior Jack stopped unable to find the words and shook his head Sally reached out but he pulled away he turned to me Phil you don’t deserve this do what you have to do but please don’t hurt her I couldn’t sit still no Jack I’m past that I said sadly but if it makes you feel better take this I slipped the knife into its sheath and handed it to him jack silently accepted

it and turned toward the door shoulders slumped probably thinking about how to tell Emily as soon as the door closed behind him the phone rang we sat there not moving or looking at each other as the ringing stopped and silence settled in finally I said I expected the cops to come to you this morning not your father Sally flinched Debbie and I convinced them to make up a story about being attacked outside the bar hoping you wouldn’t call their wives I realized I was free now they couldn’t change their story but everything was still falling

apart so where are they now I asked Sally cleared her throat they’re still in the hospital you hurt them badly Jon has a broken nose cheekbone and ribs Craig has a dislocated jaw broken teeth and a concussion don’t forget their balls Sally she looked at me fearfully you did some serious damage to them I never knew you were so cruel Phil did you have to do that you’re defending those idiots I said sarcastically before she could answer the phone rang again you should answer it it’s probably for you I said heading to the bathroom I washed my face and looked at myself in

the mirror my eyes were red and puffy I looked old and Haggard after almost a sleepless night I went back into the kitchen Sally was standing there staring at the phone she slowly hung up and SL lumped into a chair when I sat down she said did you have to tell Debbie’s husband why shouldn’t I share his pain he’s already called John and Craigs wives and kicked Debbie out shek need a lawyer to see her daughter Sally started crying again she fired me she said it was all my fault I laughed bitterly who introduced you to John and Craig it was Debbie wasn’t it Sally asked how did you know when I told

Josh this morning what you and Debbie did he didn’t believe me called me a liar but when I mentioned John Harrison he changed he got angry and started swearing you told me Debbie’s second marriage was estranged from her parents and sister about a year ago Josh met Sarah Debb’s sister during an audit they had dinner and Sarah told him about Debbie’s past Debbie had cheated on her first husband Dave with John Harrison Josh realized Debbie had been cheating on him too just like you did to me Sally stared at me in shock when I mentioned

Jon’s name Josh put the pieces together and threw Debbie out and now I’m wondering how long you’ve been messing around on me I said firmly Sally cried oh my God Phil it was only John and Craig and only during our shopping trips please believe me I never thought about anyone else until Debbie brought it up before our first trip she Twisted her handkerchief alternately crying and begging please Phil I don’t know how I got here it feels like a nightmare when I saw you standing there I stayed silent just looking at her encouraged she started speaking quickly I knew Debbie liked to play around

before we started shopping she talked about it as the most fun in her marriage but I didn’t expect her to bring anyone along I was surprised when Jon showed up at the restaurant Debbie introduced him saying she knew him from high school and he was just in the neighborhood I suspected that wasn’t true but said nothing she paused looking away Jon was at his best that night flirting dancing complimenting us I had a few more drinks than usual and when his hands got loose on the Dance Floor I pretended not to notice later at the hotel Debbie went with Jon

to the room next to ours I realized Debbie had set it all up the walls were thin and I could hear them all night that explains why you were like that when you came home I said with disgust Sally nodded wiping her eyes the next morning John was gone we had breakfast and Debbie detailed their night together raving about him all the way home over the next few months Debbie often talked about Jon during lunch at work mentioning his Ward and joking that I should riot at first I laughed it off but the idea stuck in my head a few

months later another shopping trip came up and Debbie said JN wanted to be with me and she was fine with it I laughed but didn’t say no I told her I’d think about it but didn’t think I could do it Sally looked at me and I stared back blankly I knew it was wrong but I thought I could do it and no one would know she looked away again that Saturday night John and Craig came to the restaurant we had dinner drinks then went went to a nightclub we split into couples and I was with John I convinced myself nothing bad would happen later at the motel John and I went to our room

and Debbie and Craig to theirs Sally fell silent so was it as you thought it would be I asked dismissively Sally looked at me with tears in her eyes it was okay no better than what you and I have it was exciting because it was wrong and with someone new and I could pretend to be someone else you mean it turned you on so much you forgot about your husband waiting at home taking care of your kids out of love for you I said bitterly Sally suppressed a sob and turned away yes she whispered and what about Craig I asked sarcastically without looking at me she replied after a few times with John Debbie joked she

missed him on the next trip I danced with Craig all night later at the motel Craig came to my room and we spent the night together it didn’t seem like a big deal a couple of trips later John and Craig switched in the the middle of the night I didn’t realize until I woke up and saw the man making love to me wasn’t the one I started with Sally looked at me sadly I felt like two different people living in two different worlds I love our life together but I got hooked on these weekends I thought I could have both and you’d never know how stupid was

I damn stupid I agreed and then when you saw me at the motel Sally whispered to herself I looked at myself in the mirror and realized what I’d become I stood up and looked at her interesting story Sally too bad it doesn’t have a happy ending maybe it does for you I’m going to get the kids tonight when Ally is asleep we’ll tell Jason and Jesse that their parents will be living apart Ally is too young to understand we won’t tell them the real reason and I’ll minimize the trauma for them I’ll sleep on the couch in the basement until I make other arrangements

as I started to walk away Sally shouted Phil my God this was was a mistake I love you don’t do this please I turned and asked why not Sally sobbing uncontrollably replied it was only three or four nights a year I never saw John or Craig outside of that weekend please Phil I’m begging you can’t you forgive me and let me make things right forgive you Sally forgive you for becoming a strumpet for other men three or four nights a year for giving away the thing you cherished most in the world yourself forgive you for destroying my trust in you for destroying my belief that you and I belong to each other and no one

else I said sadly and how would you fix that could you go back in time and start over could you avoid having fun with John and Craig because that’s what it takes to make things right I said tiredly I stood silently looking around the kitchen at the family photos kids drawings and newspapers on the fridge alie’s baby chair in the corner all the things that made this house a home I shook my head trying to clear it I spent most post of last night without sleep asking myself how I’ll feel about you in 6 months a year or 5 years I’m sure I’ll forgive you someday but I won’t be able

to forget not in a year not in five not in 10 every time I see you hear your voice or hear your name I’ll remember last night with tears in my eyes I said that’s what I can’t live with I stood there contemplating the future barely noticing Sally rocking back and forth in her chair sobbing no please God no after a few minutes I said softly can you answer me one question Sally she looked at me with empty eyes like a condemned prisoner you lost the man who loved you more than anything you lost the respect of your parents my parents and your husband you’ve lost

your job someday you’ll have to explain to our children why you destroyed our family was it worth it after a moment of silence broken only by Sally’s muffled sobs I turned and walked out the door