My brother asked me to sing at his wedding as a gift even though I haven’t sung in 10 years. He knew that but kept pushing, and when I finally refused, he told everyone I was being dramatic.

My (28M) brother (33M) will be getting married in the fall. The two of us are fairly close, more so in the past few years, which is to say that he is not ignorant about past events in my life.

Recently, I got invited to dinner by him and his fiancée. The two were very obviously buttering me up to ask me something the whole time before my brother finally told me, “So, fiancée and I have been talking, and we’d really love it if you sang our first dance song — just the one song. I know you don’t really sing anymore, but I dug up some old videos of you singing and she loves your voice just as much as I do. This could be your wedding present to us.”

For background, I used to sing all the time. I formed a band with a bunch of my friends in high school and we were very minorly successful. We had a channel with a few hundred subscribers, and there were a handful of people that had their own recordings that were posted to their own pages.

In this band was my best friend since second grade, Mason (not real name). Unfortunately, when we were 17, Mason took his own life. Additionally, I was the one who found him. The band dissolved almost immediately, and our channel and all our own videos were taken down.

Since then, I have never sung. Singing without Mason felt wrong, so I didn’t. Not in the shower. No karaoke sessions. Not at church. Never.

My brother knew all of this, but I wasn’t sure if his fiancée did. So, I started off with, “Sorry, I’ll have to refuse. You know I don’t sing anymore,” in the interest of not totally ruining dinner.

My brother was annoyed as hell at this. “Come on, it’s for my wedding. It’s just one song. I’m not asking for much here,” and so forth. I continued to politely refuse and left soon after.

Shortly after, I started receiving countless calls from my mom, who also knows the reason why, and decided to harass me about not singing. “It’s your brother’s wedding. I think you really should see a therapist about this. We all love your singing voice, and it’s been 10 years since any of us got to hear it.”

The two have since decided on a new tactic by saying that my song will be a good way to honor Mason’s memory.

The point about therapy aside — I’ve been to lots of it. I’m at peace with my decision to stop singing. AITA for refusing? It’s clearly important to them.

Edit: To clarify, I have really only ever performed with Mason. The joy I got from performing was not the act of singing itself, but from performing with my best friend.

Additional Information:

Okay, y’all. This is overwhelming. Let me throw a few things in.

    I don’t know if my future SIL is aware of the full situation or not. I’d like to think she doesn’t, but I’d rather not poke that hornet’s nest until I have to.

    Yes, I’ve been to therapy. Singing is something I did with Mason well before we started a full band. It very much feels like a part of my life that belongs in the past. As I said in the edit, my joy is not from singing, it’s from performing with him.

    “Is that what Mason would have wanted?” I don’t know. He’s not around to ask anymore.

    The extended family is not blowing up my phone. It’s two people and it’s not blowing it up. My mom called repeatedly in one day and has tried to throw it in a few times since. My brother is mostly giving me the cold shoulder. It’s only been a few weeks since this conversation took place.

    To whomever said “It’s been 10 years, you’re not good enough to sing at a wedding” — thank you. I genuinely laughed at this. It’s a good point, too. I’d probably sound like a donkey kicked me in the throat.

    No, I don’t post a lot. This is a throwaway I barely use.

Okay, I’d if I have to do anything special to update people that commented “update me” on the last post, but here we are.

This is premature, but since the post I made was more popular than I expected or wanted, I thought I’d give a small update.

Future SIL reached out to me because her washer broke and she wanted to come over and do a quick load of laundry. I wasn’t thrilled about this, but I live close enough, I have an in-unit, and the laundromats in our area are not the safest.

I was content to just watch TV silently in my tiny apartment while we waited, but she of course had something to discuss. I thought for sure she’d be the third person to try to convince me, but no.

Instead, she told me that she wasn’t sure if my brother was giving her the full story. She told me that he used to sing all the time. He was in a band, but he quit when the band broke up — which is technically true, but come on.

I also learned that he had told many of his friends this too, about how he’s always trying to convince me to come around and sing for all of them. He had literally never asked before the conversation, but was prone to making comments like, “Boy, it sure sucks you don’t sing anymore. I know a lot of people that would want to hear that.”

So, I very briefly told her about Mason — just the important bits — that I used to sing with him. Then, he died, so I don’t have any desire to do so anymore.

She didn’t say anything for a while, but I saw her face go through about a dozen different emotions, and I’m pretty sure she settled on anger.

Before she left, she just told me that she’s going to tell my brother to get someone else to sing. I got the distinct feeling that it’s not going to be a pleasant conversation.

So, that’s it so far. All quiet. Fingers crossed.

I cannot believe that this is still a thing, much less one that people are interested in. Lucky me, though, because the overwhelming support I received here convinced me to do some things I definitely wouldn’t have done otherwise.

New things happened pretty quickly, but I held off on a new post because my last one was premature. Some things people predicted happened, other things did not. Let’s get this out of the way up front — the wedding is still on.

The wedding will always still be on. This was never in doubt. I think a lot of commenters vastly overestimated my importance.

After talking with my future sister-in-law, I did not hear anything from my brother, at least initially. I did eventually get a short text from her just saying that I shouldn’t worry about the wedding anymore and they’ll find someone else.

My mom was another story. She called me repeatedly since I ignored her first few calls.

When I finally picked up, she was about two steps below screaming into the phone about how I interfered in your brother’s relationship and made things so much harder for them.

“And do you know how upset he is right now? It’s time to put grudges aside and make amends.”

It was not an especially long conversation.

I feel it is important to provide some context for my mom. I’ve seen some comments about how she has clear favoritism for my brother. Strictly speaking, I’m not sure that’s true.

Over the years, she said or did some things to my brother that has at several points caused him to go no contact with her. Some of these I fully understood. Others created some questions.

As a result, my mom tends to overcompensate when it comes to him because I think she’s terrified of getting cut off again.

I did a lot of self-reflection over the next few days about my relationships with my family members and decided it was time to have a very honest conversation with my brother.

I even booked a bonus therapy session specifically about preparing myself for this conversation.

I called him up and asked him point blank if — knowing I will absolutely not be singing for him — he still wanted me to attend.

He didn’t answer for a bit, but eventually he said yes.

I remembered a bunch of comments that said he may still try to pull something at his reception anyway using public pressure and announce me as the singer.

While I personally didn’t find that to be especially likely (my brother is a big planner/scheduler), I realized I no longer trusted him like I used to and said as much.

I also told him that I will only be attending the ceremony, not the reception.

He had a minor freak-out over this — “Are you [] kidding me?” — but then said it was whatever and that I needed to come up with a concrete excuse for my absence so that “[] doesn’t overshadow everything.”

Fine. Whatever.

He also said that I could no longer be his groomsman since that would leave an empty chair at the head table. We hung up shortly after.

We have not spoken again since.

Something that hasn’t come up before — we both have two other brothers (35, 26). Neither live in the same area as us. My younger brother lives on the other side of the country, and we don’t talk especially frequently. So, I don’t know what, if anything, they had heard about the situation previously.

Well, because he kicked one of his brothers out of the wedding party, he decided to replace the other two as well because it wouldn’t look right to have just two out of three of his brothers as groomsmen.

So instead, he opted for zero out of three.

Eldest brother got kind of bratty about it. He included all three of his brothers in his wedding party when he got married and is mainly pissed about the non-reciprocation, but never asked for nor received the full story on our feud.

I don’t especially enjoy talking to him, so if he wants to blame me for getting booted from the wedding party, that’s fine.

My younger brother, on the other hand, made it his personal mission to extract every single detail possible from all parties. He called me up to get my side and then decided he was going to join me in skipping the reception.

He has decided to start brainstorming an excuse for the both of us. Honestly, I think he was looking for an excuse not to go anyway. He despises family functions.

At this point, I am praying for no more updates. This is just [__] absurd. The wedding cannot come soon enough.

This is not related to the update, but instead to the comments/DMs I received.

I have tried my best to be civil with the many, many comments of “Is that what Mason would want?” or “Have you tried therapy?”

We are now three posts deep on this nonsense. I’m not going to be trying so hard at civility anymore.

Also, a reminder — singing was a hobby. I gave up a hobby. I was not on the cusp of making it big. I did not throw away my dreams.

This was five dudes screwing around in a basement on weekends and occasionally playing at a bar, fair, or coffee shop.

For what it’s worth, I still listen to music and even will pick up my bass again on occasion when I’m bored.

Therapy is not an undo button on grief and trauma. I am not the same person I was before he died, and I never will be again.

Therapy is about accepting this and the new person I’ve become — not going back to the way things were. New OP model does not include singing.

Hey y’all. You for sure don’t remember me, but I thought I’d come back for a final update.

It’s me, the guy who quit singing because singing killed my grandma — my former best friend/bandmate killed himself.

Quick refresher right at the top: Yes, I have attended therapy. Yes, I have processed Mason’s death. No, therapy does not fix grief and instead makes it more manageable.

I quit singing because I stopped finding it enjoyable. No, I’m not in denial. No, I wasn’t in love with Mason.

Anyway — spoiler warning — it’s mostly boring.

And yes, the wedding still happened.

The last couple months have featured something of a relentless guilt trip from my mom. She was getting increasingly unpleasant, so I eventually just stopped responding to her entirely.

I didn’t block her because she’s still my mom and I love her, and I would like to know if there was a genuine emergency. But other than that, she’s getting radio silence from both me and my younger brother.

More on him later.

She had originally started with the argument about how I could honor Mason. Then about how I hadn’t finished processing my grief before doubling down on how disappointed she was that I refused to move on — before she told me how pathetic it was to live eternally in my victimhood.

Guess she got herself a Tumblr account or something.

The eldest brother tried his best to stay out of everything, but my mom did try to get him on her side.

Like I said before, he and I don’t have a good relationship, so she probably thought it was a slam dunk. Not so much.

My brother, to his credit, told her this whole thing is stupid. I do not disagree.

My youngest brother made good on his promise and skipped the reception with me.

He used the excuse that he had to leave immediately to catch a flight back for his job. He’s a first responder, so nobody questioned it.

Little brother also really, really wanted my excuse to be that I had started a new band and had to miss the reception to go sing at my first gig — because he is chaos incarnate and is to be feared.

Instead, I said that I had a routine surgery early the next morning and therefore had to skip all food, drinks, and physical activity.

I have a reputation for poor health, so again, nobody really questioned it.

As for the brother getting married — he kept quiet for the most part. We didn’t talk much.

I don’t know for sure if our mom was communicating for the both of them so that he could avoid being seen as the bad guy, or because his now-wife kept him in line.

Either way, I don’t see a way back to restoring our relationship to what it once was.

I’m not cutting off contact with him by any means, but we’re now on much lesser terms.

Update 3:

One hiccup — somehow (gee, I wonder) my brother got an inkling that this whole thing was actually an elaborate ruse and that I was singing at his reception as a surprise.

Our whole fight — it was to throw him off the scent, that I was actually taking singing lessons the whole time.

Presumably, Mason’s ghost would descend from wherever and join me in the harmonies or something. Then the living and the dead would come together for the Cha Cha Slide.

Apparently, my brother subscribes to fanfiction.

All info about the reception was supplied by my dad a few days afterwards.

He was apparently super mopey throughout the beginning of the reception, but ended up enjoying himself by the end — probably has to do with the fact that he’s now married to a terrific woman who has been willingly putting up with him for three years.

She looked stunning, by the way.

Overall, there were a few murmurs about mine and my brother’s absence at the reception, but from what I heard, they dispelled quickly, and everyone rightfully focused on the newly married couple.

So, that’s it.

I still attend regular therapy because it’s become a part of my routine. Mason rarely ever came up before all this, and I’m presuming that status quo will soon be returned.

It’s not that I don’t miss him, but I have lots of other stuff going on in my life, you know.

I’m contemplating moving across the country to be closer to my younger brother.

As chaotic and unpredictable as he can be, he was definitely my rock through all of this, and I’d like to improve my relationship with him — one small dose at a time.

My job and therapist are both remote, so that simplifies things.

It wouldn’t be until next year when my lease is up, but it is under serious consideration.

I’m probably abandoning this account soon after this update.

My username was left in, and it made me super easy to find.

Four different people messaged me to join Mason, which is the first time a stranger on the internet has ever told me to kill myself.

Feels like a rite of passage.

Anyway, thank you to the roughly 75% of you for your kind words and resisting the urge to ask, “Is that what Mason would have wanted?” or “Have you considered therapy?”

Sorry for wasting your time with this when I’m sure you were hoping for explosive fireworks and instead got a lone firecracker tossed into a bird bath.

Deuces.

Found my husband’s Tinder profile less than one kilometer away from our house. So separated for months until my neighbor showed up at my door to tell me her husband had been using my husband’s photos to catfish women all along.

Hello everyone. My husband, 35M, and I, 30F, married for 8 years, have been separated for the last 14 months, and I need help and advice on how to rekindle our relationship.

We are currently not on speaking terms and all our arrangements go through our lawyers, but I will have an opportunity over Christmas to clear the air and set things straight as he will be flying in from Sydney to spend time with the kids.

So, what happened?

I received a Facebook message in September last year that my husband was talking and exchanging naked photos with other women on Tinder.

We spoke on the phone for a bit and the only proof she had was a screenshot of their conversations and his profile.

Long story short, I downloaded Tinder and found his profile with his location less than 1 kilometer away.

I was convinced that he was cheating and we had a terrible fallout that evening which led to my family coming over to calm the situation, but instead it escalated when my brother punched and grabbed hold of my husband.

The neighbors called the police, and my husband was asked to pack a few things and stay elsewhere for a while.

We separated shortly after and he has since moved to Sydney to be closer to his ailing father, but sees our kids for a weekend twice a month.

Fast forward to the beginning of November this year.

My neighbor rocked up at my doorstep to tell me that her husband was catfishing women on dating apps using my husband’s photos.

He downloaded these photos from a MacBook that we lent him during COVID, and some of these photos were of intimate nature and of me.

The police are currently dealing with this.

All of this has been relayed to my husband through his lawyer, but his response has been lukewarm and he said we could talk about it over Christmas.

I am so scared that we might be down too far the rabbit hole and that he will likely push for a divorce even though I know that we love each other deeply, but this took a massive toll on our mental health, finances, and the well-being of our three kids.

What is the best way to approach him in December and make amends?

Update:

Hello everyone.

I have had quite a few people ask for an update on what happened after we discovered that my neighbor was using my ex’s photos to catfish other women.

Unfortunately, after having sat down and discussed things, it was decided that our marriage was beyond repair and that we should go our separate ways.

He is currently in therapy and has requested that we have a clean break with no further contact in the future.

I intend to respect his wishes and will continue to communicate through his lawyer on matters that concern our kids.

I have since cleared the air with our families and friends and still actively work towards repairing his reputation.

I would also like to clarify the assault and why my parents came over in the first place.

The night of the argument, I called my mother to ask if I could drop off our kids and if they could spend the evening there, but she was concerned about my emotional state and asked that I stay put and they would come to fetch the kids instead.

They arrived, and my brother opted to stay outside while my parents came inside to grab the kids and their bags.

At this point, my father asked to talk to my ex and calm the situation, and my mom dragged me away to get the kids and their bags ready.

My brother was very confused when we came outside and was triggered by my mom saying that my ex might have cheated.

My brother reacted the moment my ex walked out and grabbed my arm in a non-violent way, leading to the punch and scuffle on the front lawn.

He was remorseful and apologized even before we found out my ex was not to blame.

It is a series of unfortunate events that has changed many lives and robbed my family of our love and happiness.

Now I have to focus on my kids, my depression, and coming to terms with the divorce.

I will never forget, but hopefully the pain won’t be as intense.