Stranger grabbed me and put my hands on him at a club. So, I called my fiance to pick me up, but he blamed me for wearing a revealing dress and said going to the club was cheating. Then demanded I apologize.

Me, 24F, and my fiance, 27M, have been engaged for around a year, and I have been doing a ton of wedding planning, and so has he. I started losing a lot of hair from the stress, and he knows this. So, he suggested that I could relax, and he’d handle everything.

My friends invited me to the club when they heard I was free for once, and I agreed. I did not tell my fianceé initially where I was going, but I assumed he’d guess where I was going because where else could you be going and revealing clothing at night? I know this might be perceived as disrespectful, but he has always been okay whenever I dress like this, and I usually dress modestly.

Anyway, he asked me where I was going. I told him I was going to the club with my friends, and he just said, “Okay.” My friends picked me up. We headed to the club and that entire time I did have a couple drinks and I tried to keep myself in check because I am an engaged woman but my friends had me drink more than I intended.

A man approached me whilst I was by myself in a booth and he was trying to pursue me. I told him that I was engaged and to please leave me alone. He grabbed my hand to see my ring before he proceeded to reach his hand up my dress and forced my hands on him.

I immediately pushed the [ __ ] lunatic and called my husband to pick me up since my friends were nowhere to be seen. He came to pick me up and I was frantically explaining to him what happened only for him to pull over and yell in an accusing tone what at me.

Obviously, I didn’t think he was mad at me because I’d think my fiance would be the last person to be mad at me for something that wasn’t my fault. I repeated myself and he started driving again and kept responding to everything I said with, “But why did you let him touch you?”

I was in disbelief and told him I didn’t let him touch me and I told him to leave me alone. He tells me that I shouldn’t have gone to the club wearing what I wore. Started talking [ __ ] shaming all of my friends who went with me and question why I didn’t do more to protect myself.

I cussed him out because WTF. Then he tells me that he is the one who got cheated on and that I have no right to be angry with him because he was only concerned for my lack of self-awareness. Then started to make his last point about how going to the club was already kind of cheating and I should have consulted with him first.

I am seriously considering calling off the engagement, but we have been together for 4 years and he has never done anything to hurt me. We rarely fight and he’s almost always very gentle with me. This is the first time he has reacted this way toward me.

I definitely saw him being aggressive with other people that weren’t me a few times. I don’t know if I should wait and talk to him in the morning because giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s just as tired as I was from the wedding planning and isn’t thinking rationally.

Update one.

My fiance left home early this morning. I asked where he went and he still has the same reaction to my sexual assault he did the night it happened. I’m very confused on what to do and if I am doing right by considering calling off the engagement. Some people are saying I am overreacting and others are telling me I’m not.

Last photo is literally the dress I wore to the club since people have questioned what I was wearing which I don’t understand how that’s at all pertinent to understanding that I was sexually assaulted. I stand by the fact that I did not cheat on him nor was I being secretive about where I was going. I didn’t mention it when I should have, but when he asked I told him. Simple as that.

You can’t just be okay with me going to the club and then come pick me up, find out a man touched me without consent and say that going to the club is in fact cheating. We are also very honest people. So if he did have an issue with it when I told him I was going to the club, he would have said so and there was nothing to suggest that he didn’t want me going.

Transcripts of the text messages between oop and her fiance.

Fiance about switching to garden roses.
Oop, I need help.
Fiance taking a break as you did.
Oop. Okay, and that’s fine, but it feels like you are doing this out of pettiness.
Fiance: Whether I am or not, can you blame me? Haha.
Fiance: My soon to be wife got fed up at the club and allows another man to touch her. Being cheated on before my wedding does not feel great.
Oop, I did not cheat on you. I should be able to dress how I want, and you have always been fine with it. I didn’t tell you initially where I was going, but I did tell you before I left. You had every second to tell me that you didn’t want me to go, and I would have stayed.
Oop. And you know that.
Fiance, I let you go because I didn’t think you would go and practically f another man.
Fiance, another man touched you and that is cheating.
Oop. Okay. So, is it the fact that I went to the club or the fact that I let another man touch me?
Oop. Tell me now because this is contradicting whatever you said to me the other night.
Oop. I can’t believe you’re still hung up on the idea that I cheated on you. Why is the fact that I cheated on you more important than my well-being?

How can you, the man I love and trust with my deepest vulnerabilities, fixate on your wounded pride instead of wrapping your arms around the fact that I was violated? Please wake up. I’m furious but mostly heartbroken that you don’t care to consider what happened to me.

Fiance, the whole point of you going to the club was to relax. I let you relax because I care about your well-being. There is no room to care now when you took my consideration and went and cheated on me.
Fiance: I apologize that it happened to you the way it did, but you go to the club dressed provocatively and don’t expect a man to try to f you. [ __ ]
Fiance, if you had an ounce of respect for me, then you would apologize, and we can go from there.
Oop, I didn’t dress a certain way to be sexually assaulted. That sounds absurd and is extremely disgusting of you to say, “Dude, I dressed how I did because you nor I have ever had an issue with it, and I did it for myself, not for anyone else. I’m sorry, but I have been feeling very ugly these past few months, given that I’m watching my figure for our wedding and losing a ton of hair on top of that. So, yes, I did go to the club dressed like how most girls would going to a club because it made me feel pretty.
Fiance, all the excuses in the world, but an apology.
Oop, where is your apology?
Fiance, I did apologize. I am sorry a man like that approached you, but it’s not right to blame everyone but yourself.

Update two.

Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for the advice and I think I will be following through with calling off the engagement. But before I do, I need advice on where to even begin. We’ve sunk about $12,000 so far into planning out of an original $35,000 budget with a rough split of 60% from us and 40% from our family’s mostly non-refundable deposits that are killing me right now.

Breakdown of what we’ve paid. Venue, $4,500 deposit, 30% of $15,000 total, non-refundable after 6 months. Wedding dress, custom alterations already done, $2,800 total with $1,200 paid upfront. Photographer, $2,000 retainer, 50% of $4,000 package, non-refundable. Florist, and invitations, $1,200 combined, mostly sunk as invites went out 3 months ago. Catering, tasting, and planner consults, $1,500 in fees/deposits.

The wedding was for 120 guests. So, we’ve also got non-refundable travel booked for 20 out of town family members, flights/ hotels totaling till $13K, but that’s on hold. Should I immediately contact each vendor to negotiate partial refunds or offer to transfer deposits to another couple for resellable stuff like the dress or decor? We have $800 in custom signage. What’s the best platform, FB Marketplace, Still White, or eBay? And how do I price it without undervaluing?

Do I need a lawyer to review contracts for shared expenses with my ex? We’re not married, but some was joint. Or is small claims court worth it for anything under $5,000? Also, any tips for breaking this to our families without a blowup? My parents are out $2,000 already and super invested emotionally. I am very lost, so any stories or advice from anyone who’ve been through this would mean the world.

Update three.

Starting off by saying that I am so incredibly grateful for the overwhelming support and advice. Reading through nearly 4,000 comments wasn’t easy, but I did my best, especially with the long ones. This is my final update as I don’t want to prolong this discussion on Reddit.

I informed my ex fiance of my decision to end our engagement. He was angry but didn’t try to harm me so I’m safe for those who are concerned. About 3 or 4 days ago, I told him I was questioning our engagement. His initial response was, “Are you joking?” And he ridiculed me until I confirmed I was calling it off yesterday.

He brought up the money spent on the wedding and questioned how we were going to handle those who contributed and what we were going to tell them. I assured him I’d take care of it. He then ranted about throwing away four years, saying he didn’t care who was the victim anymore and that he’d never make such a decision because he loved me. Ending with this is [ __ ] crazy.

I’ll address some questions I was receiving and yes, even those asked with less than kind intentions and provide more context. The actual assault occurred 2 weeks ago on a Saturday. The first person I told was my sister the day after because I couldn’t face my fianceé, nor could I bear it alone. I did not personally tell the rest of my family, but my sister passed it on to them for me.

My mom called to discuss it and was supportive, though I do feel like there’s still some disappointment from her and others. People were also accusing me of infidelity and saying I wasn’t telling the full story because I didn’t detail the assault and question whether I reported it or not. My focus was on my engagement, not the incident itself.

No, I didn’t report the assault. I was frantic and just wanted to get home. I repeatedly told the man to leave me alone before he touched me, but it happened very quickly. I froze, then pushed him off once I processed what was happening and left immediately. I didn’t think to report it in the moment because I could not stand another second more in there.

I will try to return to the club to request footage when I’m in a better headsp space because I don’t want this happening to other women and I’m baffled people think that’s what I want. Absolutely not. Here’s the missing context I was hounded for. I didn’t plan going to the club. My friends, who are single women, suggested it after my ex-fiance told me I could go out and relax, saying he’d handle all the wedding planning for the day.

I was alone at the booth because they wanted to dance whilst I didn’t. I haven’t contacted vendors yet, but I’m surprised and grateful for the logistical advice and support offered. If you replied under that comment, I likely saw it and you didn’t go unnoticed. Finally, this decision wasn’t based solely on Reddit. I was thinking it before I came and told my story here and Reddit only validated that I wasn’t overreacting and encouraged me.

I’m aware strangers don’t fully grasp my situation to make such a huge decision for me. I know that to those in my DMs calling me stupid or worse who also seemed to be mostly men. Your disgusting misogynistic words won’t change my mind. This is my decision.

Roommate kept insisting that my boyfriend was cheating with fake evidence. Then her boyfriend called me a home wrecker and revealed she was cheating on Tinder while blaming me. So, she confessed she wanted me single, too.

So, I, 20F, live with Emily, 21F, a person I met a couple of years ago. We became fast friends. Admittedly, moved in together last year out of convenience, but have stayed true to our friendship, which has definitely strengthened.

My boyfriend is Sam, 24M, someone I met about a year and a half ago. We’ve been dating for just over a year with our relationship transitioning into an LDR about 5 months ago because Sam moved for work. I never thought that there were any issues between Emily and Sam. In our early stages, she was very gracious and seemed to know the perfect balance between socializing with Sam and giving us space.

It was only when Sam moved away that she started making little comments about how funny it would be if Sam had a side chick in his new city or that I was actually a side chick and he’s gone home to his family. There is no way this is true. Sam has always been honest and open. Has always mentioned that he quickly shuts girls down if they try it on with him. And as for the family thing, I helped him move into his small two-room apartment and not a family home.

I’ve always shut this down very quickly whenever Emily starts on with it. However, recently she’s been taking extra steps to try and make me believe that my boyfriend is cheating on me. She told me over dinner the other day that she had proof that Sam had slid into the DMs of one of her friends and showed me a screenshot of Sam’s secret Twitter account hitting on her friend about 9 months ago.

This account was not Sam’s username at all. And just in case it had been a secret account, I searched the username and it came up with a profile of a 15-year-old boy, also called Sam. Though I told Emily this, she was insisting that this profile was my Sam and that he was clearly catfishing using this kid or that he was Sam’s younger brother. Sam has no younger siblings.

Last night, she sent me an SOS message saying that there was an emergency. But after rushing home to see what was happening, she said that the emergency was that Sam doesn’t have his Facebook relationship on his profile and that it was obvious he’s trying to appear single. The reason his relationship isn’t public is because I asked for it not to be since I don’t believe that my relationship status is everyone’s business. We are in a relationship on Facebook, but only privately.

Yet again, I explained this to Emily and she still tried to argue that he could still be cheating and that I was subconsciously manipulated to keep the status private by him. I really wasn’t. I’ll clarify here that I’ve never said to Emily that I think Sam will cheat on me in his new city because I don’t. Simple enough.

It may have been that she was jealous or wanted him for herself, but she is in a relationship of her own. Her boyfriend of 2 years is over usually two to three nights a week. I’m definitely going to put her on an information diet regarding my relationship, but should I consider going further?

Comments where OP has replied.

Comment one: Is there a possibility that your friend is jealous of your relationship with Sam? I encountered a nearly identical situation with my roommate/close friend last year when my boyfriend proposed. He was in the Navy at the time and on Christmas leave stayed at our apartment and asked me to marry him.

At first, my friend was quite happy for me. But a few weeks later, her own boyfriend randomly broke up with her. Around this time, my fianceé, who was working on going sober, relapsed and got wasted one night. My friend used my fiance’s relapse as an excuse to try and convince me to break up with him. She was determined to show me that because my fianceé relapsed. He was an unreliable guy who didn’t deserve me.

Realistically, my friend was just bitter that her own relationship had recently ended. She wanted someone to wallow in her misery with her. I called her out on it and she backed off, which was good because quite honestly, she was acting ridiculous and obsessing over my relationship.

Oop: She could be jealous, but she is very happy with her boyfriend. Unless she isn’t, and she’s been very good at hiding it from everyone, including her boyfriend. Maybe she just wanted me to be her single friend.

Comment two: Is there a benefit for her if you’re single? Like, do you bring Sam over to your place a lot? Or are you planning on moving in soon with him away from her? Has she ever been cheated on in a similar situation? Lock your room and watch your phone. It shouldn’t be, but that’s how she’ll get information if you stop telling her about you and Sam. Do tell her that you’re no longer going to respond to her emergencies and put her on mute when possible. Then you only get upset when you’re no longer busy.

Comment three: “Do you bring Sam over to your place a lot?” This seems unlikely as this behavior only started after Sam moved to another place and was no longer coming over frequently. Since their LDR.

Oop: Sam and I are in an LDR and so far he has been over for two weekends in 5 months. So, she couldn’t claim she’s annoyed at his presence, especially when her boyfriend can spend half a week at our place. We’re also not planning on moving in together anytime soon since I have a solid life here. To the best of my knowledge, she has never been cheated on. Nor has she been in an LDR, so all of her beliefs about Sam cheating on me because we’re in one are built on tales from others.

Comment four: She sounds a bit unstable and drama queeny to be honest. This is a case of his crazy theory. Tries to get the facts to fit. It doesn’t really matter what her motive is. Tell her bluntly that you feel she’s trying to ruin your relationship and that if she doesn’t stop, the friendship will be over.

Update.

So, I posted a few days ago about my housemate Emily, who had made it her life’s mission to try and make me see that my long-distance boyfriend Sam was cheating on me. After posting my original post, I sat Emily down and told her that I would not be engaging in conversation with her about Sam at all. She tried to claim it was all in my best interest to listen to her, but did rain it in. Drama over until it all blew up.

I got a very angry message yesterday from Emily’s boyfriend calling me every name under the sun, including a home wrecker. I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that he knew all about how I’d been cheating on Sam and how I’d convinced Emily to do the same to him.

It turns out he’d found out that Emily was on Tinder and was talking to guys and had even met up with a couple and done whatever. I had no clue she was doing this. Whenever she left the house for the night, she always said she was staying at her boyfriend’s.

I told him in no uncertain terms that I had not encouraged Emily to cheat on him and I was not cheating on Sam. He then tried to claim that Emily had told him that I was away getting with some Tinder guy on a specific evening that I wasn’t in the flat. I was celebrating Sam’s birthday with him in his city and had the timed and dated photos to prove it. And of course, Emily knew where I really was.

I have no clue whether or not her boyfriend believes me, but I haven’t had any other messages from him since. Emily was wailing my door about 10 minutes later, saying that her ex-boyfriend had gone insane and she only cheated because he was abusive. I can’t say I saw anything, but I also can’t say this was a definite lie, and she was scared about his reaction.

So, she said I was involved. She then said that I would understand her position if I had broken up with Sam like she wanted me to. I’ll admit that got my attention. I asked what she meant, and she said that she had wanted us both to be free from our partners, but she knew I wouldn’t cheat on Sam, so had tried her best to convince me that he was cheating so I would leave him.

She got the door slammed in her face. Even if she did want an escape from her own abusive relationship, her non-stop attempts to persuade me to leave my boyfriend just for her own gain is enough for me to just cut her off.

I didn’t even wait until Emily woke up this morning to put my plan to move out into action. The landlord has been contacted and is very understanding. We’re very close to the end of our tenancy anyway, so I’m breaking my lease and I’m going to spend the night in a friend’s spare room before making my next move.

I might write her a goodbye note, but she hardly deserves it. I’ve been wondering for a while whether or not I should move to be with Sam. I think this is now going to be a big part of my decision.

Also, a lot of comments in the original post were suggesting that something had happened between Sam and Emily while he was still living in this area, and she was trying to make me see that without coming clean. I didn’t reply to any comments because I know the sorts of responses I would have got to.

I know he’s not cheated on me with Emily, but I do know he didn’t. He never contacted Emily privately and was really only friendly to her because she was my housemate. Sam was just as unlikely to cheat with Emily as I was with any of his friends, family, or housemates.

I know some of you may still think that he could still have cheated/cheat in the future, and I can’t definitively say he didn’t slash won’t. But I’m not going to ruin my relationship with what-if style thoughts.