Keanu Reeves, long celebrated as one of Hollywood’s kindest and most genuine stars, found himself at the center of unexpected controversy this week.
According to insider reports, the John Wick actor was selected by the Television Production Committee to present this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award — an honor he was genuinely excited to accept.
That is, until he learned he would be sharing the stage with none other than Whoopi Goldberg, an entertainer whose recent reputation in Tinseltown has sparked intense debate and divided opinions across the industry.
“She’s not a nice person,” said Reeves in a voice that almost sounded like he was addressing Rufus outside the Circle K, “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who made that mistake.”
Justin Timberlake, Wynona Ryder, and Gloria Estefan also declined. They’re still waiting to hear back from Jackie and Kelso, who desperately need something different to happen in their lives, but nobody seems to be able to find them.
“We believe those two are probably in a ravine somewhere after losing their social media following to the worst apology video ever recorded,” said Ravine Captain Joe Barron of the 136th Marine Paralegal Unit, “We’re just gonna start here in LA and go from ravine to ravine until we find them.”
Others believe that they may also be in a shallower thing, such as a ditch or even a puddle, but everyone agrees they are likely dead from embarrassment, joining their careers. Topher Grace was unavailable for comment, once again leaving his dignity intact.
Reeves said there’s no way he’ll change his mind, no matter how dumb the story gets. God Bless America.
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